JOKES
LIVERPOOL JOKES
What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
Big Mac please.
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The accused.
What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?
The bride.
What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.
What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.
Liverpools newest big-name signing, a Bosnian international, has just scored on his debut for the club and immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian-Scouser: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
B-S: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop and we only lost 3-1.
Mum: That's wonderful. But I'm afraid that things here at home aren't so good.
B-S: Why, what's happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can't walk anymore, and then raped your sister before moving on to the dog.
B-S: That's terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn't you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?
A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and seen a Rotweiler attacking an old lady.. He immeadiately ran over to the dog and started a stuggle in which he sustained many bites, but eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead.
A passing reporter commented: "that was fucking fantastic how you saved that old dears life!!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?"
"I'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke..
"Well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"?said the reporter.
"I'm not a City fan either" said our hero, "I'm from Liverpool".
"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline -
SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!
David James is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of Anfield and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.
One day, Paul Ince is being chauffeured home in Cheshire, when his driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a strange looking beast on the side of the road, killing it instantly. On inspection of the creature, neither the driver nor Ince knew what the animal was but it was wearing a collar. All the collar read was "THE TWAT" with an owners address. When they arrive at their destination, Ince suggests to the driver that he should go back to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages.
Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to right as he walked. "What happened?" Ince asks.
"Well," said his driver "when I told him, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and then his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!"
"Bloody hell" said Ince "What exactly did you tell them?"
"I said, Hi, I'm Paul Ince's driver and I just killed the twat!"
What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
Two scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make sure that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence. One gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work, to which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh shit, it's stopped...no, it's OK....stopped again...."
What is the difference between Paul Ince and an Airfix model kit without a tube of glue.
One is a Gluless Kit.....
MAN CITY JOKES
The seven dwarfs are working down the mine when there is a huge explosion and the roof caves in. Snow White runs to the mine entrance frantic with worry. Through a tiny hole in the rubble she shouts: "Manchester City will never win the First Division".
To which a distant voice replies: "Oh yes they will"
"Thank God," says Snow White "at least Dopey's alive!"
A City fan, a Muslim and a Hindu are travelling together when it becommes dark and they are forced to ask at the only inn in town for a bed for the night. The innkeeper agrees but says that as there is only two beds one must sleep in the barn outside, so the three draw lots and the Muslim loses and goes to the barn to settle down for the night.
Five minutes later he returns to the room apologising but saying that as there was a pig in the barn he could not possibly sleep there. The City fan and the Hindu then toss a coin and the Hindu loses and takes his possessions to the barn to sleep.
He also returns after a few minutes saying that there was a cow in the barn and so he couldn't sleep there either. Reluctantly the City fan takes his bag and walks to the barn to try and catch some sleep.
Two minutes later the pig and cow enter the room...
Franny Lee is out in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping.
Franny: Can you manage, love?
Old Lady: Fuck off, I don't want the job either!
How many City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they're all happy living in the shadows.
A man hands over a �50 note to the turnstyle operator at Maine Road.
Man: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?
ROBBERY!
Late last night thieves broke into Maine Road and stole the entire contents of Manchester City's trophy room. Police are looking for two men carrying a light blue carpet.
Name the best two football teams who come from Manchester?
Manchester United and Manchester United reserves!
A man is on his first visit to Maine Road and has to stop to ask a local for directions:
Man: Can you tell me how to get to Maine Road please?
Bitter: Yeah, go round that corner, turn right and you'll see two queues.
Man: Right.
Bitter: Now, whatever you do don't join the long queue.
Man: Why not?
Bitter: Because that's the queue for the chippy next door.
LEEDS UNITED JOKES
Why do people take a insant dislike to Leeds fans?
Because it saves time.
What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170?
Elland Road on every other Saturday.
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Leeds United strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
A United fan, an Arsenal fan and a Leeds fan are walking through the countryside when they see a sheep stuck in a gate.
United fan: God, I wish it was Camaron Diaz.
Arsenal fan: No, I wish it was Naomi Campbell.
Leeds fan: I wish it was fucking dark!