RULES OF FLAMING A HANSON LOVER
If someone who likes Hanson has annoyed, attacked or insulted you in any
way then these are the Rules to put them in there place
1.Make things up about your opponent : It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly". Eg. "Clearly,
Major Bozo is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."
2.Be an armchair psychologist : You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified
to psychoanalyse your opponent. "Jim Applegood (God Bless You!), by using
the word 'zucchini' in his posting, shows he has a bad case of......"
3.Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-READER to
PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
Therefore, post everything.
4.Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that your're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire newsgroup a favour by
exposing it.
5.Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin and
Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good
form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Didley has libelled
me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Didley."
6.Force them to document their claims: Even if Guido Milano states outright
that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation.
If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Guido's pasta preferences, then
Guido's obviously lying.
7.Use foreign phrases : French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
article. Other favourite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi,
vici," "fettucini alfredo."
8.Tell 'em how smart you are : Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you
received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, I've got
a College Degree, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic.' "
9.Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the
37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or
move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
10.Doubt their existence : You've never actually seen your opponent , have
you? And since you're the center of the Universe, you should have seen them
by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of
flamer's logic.
11.When in doubt, insult : If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will
undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you.