How To Survive An Encounter With A Hanson Fan

"You're just jealous"

This is the oldest and most ineffective argument the Hansonites use. What supposedly makes you jealous of them can be one or more of several things: their looks, their money, their fame, etc. Virtually every Anti-Hansonite knows how to handle this one, but I have to start somwhere. Usually a general statement of the truth will do ("I'm not jealous of them. That's stupid!"). That's because this argument is so old and most Hansonites know it never does any good. But when that doesn't work, you can say, "Why would I want to look like a girl?" If the reason for jealousy is money, say, "If I wanted their money that badly, I'd record a bunch of sucky songs like they have." If it's Hanson's fame they think you want, tell them, "Anyone can be famous these days. All you need is some kind of scandal or some reason for people to hate you." Again, most Hansonites will not pursue this argument for too long, and it won't take much of an effort to get past it.
"You have no life"
"If you don't like Hanson, you suck"This one is becoming pretty popular. It may even be taking the place of the "jealousy" argument. I've dealt with a lot of Hansonites who've told me this or that I need a hobby. This one is also easy to deal with because the Hansonite is making an ignorant assumption about you. The simplest way to deal with this one is to tell them a little about yourself. Don't tell too much because information can be a very dangerous weapon. "I have a hobby," or "I have several hobbies, " has always worked for me. Point out the fact that the Hansonite doesn't know you and that it's egotistical for them to think dissing Hanson is all you do just because you're flaming that particular Hansonite. Be prepared to tell them a few of the things you enjoy doing besides cyber-fighting. If you really don't have a life, tell them that that has nothing to do with the fact that Hanson sucks and you're happy with your life so it doesn't matter. You could also tell them that this assumption makes the appear to be "life"-less since they apparently spend so much time nosing in other people's lives.

"If you don't like Hanson, you suck"

What could be easier? I usually use sarcasm when a Hansonite says something like this. For example, "OH NO! SHE THINKS I SUCK! WHY LIVE? MY SOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE HAS BEEN TO GET HER TO THINK I'M COOL! I HAVE NO REASON FOR LIVING NOW!" Be sure to exaggerate heavily so it's more likely that they'll catch the sarcasm. The All-Caps thing also helps. You can also tell them you think they suck. That could bring their noses back to Earth by reminding them that their opinion is no better or more valid than yours just because they say so.

1 = Never block a Hansonite or otherwise run from a fight with one in any way. That will automatically give THEM the victory. Instead, keep at them until they give up and run. Of course, most of them still think they've won the fight by running like a scared rabbit. Simply explain to them that by not fighting, they're automatically giving you the victory. This is almost always a hard concept for them to grasp. I often have to use a boxing analogy to get my point across. "If one boxer runs out of the ring away from the other boxer, the one who is still in the ring wins because his opponent gave up." Explaining this concept over and over annoys me to no end, but the satisfaction of seeing them give in to my explanations makes up for the frustration.

2 = Try not to make too many spelling and grammar mistakes. This gives you an advantage over them if they make a lot of mistakes. It drives a lot of them crazy to be corrected all the time. This should not be focused on too heavily or you'll lose sight of what the fight is really about. But it is a good thing to use in addition to your other tactics. Correcting them doesn't bother some Hansonites but it doesn't really hurt to try.

3 = If all else fails and/or you get tired of fighting, pull out all the stops. Show no mercy, and be as cruel, nasty, or perveted as you have to be. This makes it personal between the two of you, and you'll eventually win. However, I wait and let the hostility build up to a level that calls for that kind of cruelty. In other words, I progressively top everything she says until she can't handle it anymore. Look for a weakness. Also look for bitterness over an ex-boyfriend or something like that.