BAR JOKES
You Wished For What
One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."
So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.
The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"
The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"
Vampire's Drink
A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up to him and says, "What can I get you?"
The vampire says, "A cup of hot water."
The bartender looks at him strangely, but gets the water. When he brings it over to the vampire, he says, "I thought you guys drank blood. What's with the water?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "What, you've never heard of a tea bag?"
Bar Nuts
A guy goes into a bar and orders a tall one. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender.
"It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka!"
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
Open Wide
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gaiter will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gaiter closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gaiter opened his mouth and the man removed his privates, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
First Blowjob
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the young man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." offered the bartender.
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
3 Vampires
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
Scotch Expert
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old
am I?"
My Son - My Son
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom Break. Three guys are left...
First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he?s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, He?s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, he got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he?s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
Fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I?m embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he?s gay and has several boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."
Lemon
There was a bartender who was convinced he was the strongest guy in town. He had a standing bet. He'd squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then pass the lemon to his customers and anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice would win $l,000.00 cash.
Many lemon squeezers had tried to beat the bartender (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody ever could.
One day a scrawny little man came into the bar and said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try squeezing your lemon." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, squeezed it dry and handed the wrinkled rind to the little man. The man clenched his fist around the lemon, squeezed - and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd roared, the bartender asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Drinking Buddies
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at JFK New York; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great- NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!" The buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" He says, "No- that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing... "
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
Sneaking In Late
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife?s rump and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends she's asleep.
Just One Wish
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the two men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth!
This particular Genie; however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!"
Embarrasing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Ummm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $200 DOLLARS?!"
Four Polish Guys
A little guy was sitting next to a big guy in a bar, and said, "Hey, wanna hear a good Polock joke?"
The big guy frowned and answered, "I just happen to be Polish. You see those two big guys at that end of the bar? Polish. That mean lookin' son-of-a-bitch bartender, he's Polish too. Do you still want to tell your Polish joke?"
The little guy looked around and said, "Nope."
"What's the matter?" asked the big guy. "Are you afraid that we'll beat the shit out of you?"
The little guy looked up at him and said, "No, I just don't want to have to explain the punch line four times."
5 Stages Of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART:
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING:
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH:
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cus you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF:
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE:
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.
Nasty Drunk
So, it seems that this construction worker walks into a bar. He's a large, rather menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"
The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers!"
Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
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